Should my free time be spent going out to bars and clubs to pick up women? Should I drop a few likes and follow my new favorite Instagram model so she will notice me? How can I perfect the art of sliding into the DM’s? Will I be lucky enough to get this girl’s Snapchat?
These questions represent the psyche of many modern men. While it may be commonplace in today’s society, it doesn’t make it beneficial. In fact, it could be stealing your value right out from under you.
How am I losing my value?
I would like to counter the opening questions with a new set of questions. What am I doing with my life? What have I done to make myself a valuable person? How am I building myself into a better man?
Contrary to what some may believe, your value does not increase the more you chase women. Many of us have fallen into the trap of thinking that our value is increased by how many numbers we can get, or how many women we can hook up with. While it may appear that way on the surface, many times the opposite is occurring behind the scenes. This isn’t to say you shouldn’t know how to carry yourself around women, but we have to look deeper at the mentality behind what is taking place. On the other hand, there are those who place that same value on being in a relationship. As if there is some apparent loss of value in being single. Again, we have another baseless fallacy. This leads to the first aspect of how you are losing your value:
Priorities
Where Is Your Time Going?
How much of your time is spent chasing, scrolling, or swiping? I ask this because often times we lose track of how much of men’s time goes into these activities. There is a thrill that comes from pursuing women. There is the prospect of getting to know someone new There is also an opportunity to put our seduction ability on display. Not to mention the new energy and chemistry being created. This is powerful stuff! We must resist putting it first if we want to succeed. In order to do that, we need to flip this on its head. The time that we spend engaged in chasing could very well be put toward bettering ourselves.
Let’s say that you just spent the last thirty minutes in a trance on Instagram. You found a plethora of women you’d sleep with immediately. That dopamine hit must have been wonderful! Now imagine you take that same thirty minutes and started researching how to invest your money. You have now put your time toward something that is going to increase your level of attractiveness. Think about it this way, if you met one of those women you’ve been drooling over, would she be more attracted to the man who is bettering himself and is increasing his financial knowledge? Or is she going to choose the guy sitting there on the couch double tapping pictures?
Are you seeing how the value is being diminished? An hour swiping and chatting up women on dating apps could be an hour in the gym building your body. The first activity may have more perceived value because you are technically engaging with women, but the latter has much more true value. This is because you are investing long-term in becoming the man you desire to be. In turn, you also become a man that women desire to be with.
Motives
What is driving you?
How much do you think about sex? How often do you think about finding a relationship or a hook up? Why are these things taking up so much of your headspace? It’s not to say that wanting them is inherently bad, but we have to look at how excessively focusing on them hinders us as men and how we function. Imagine getting to the point where these thoughts start to become our main motivation, to the point that we start making our decisions based on our desire for them.
This is where our motives come into play. What is the “why” behind what we are doing? An example could be a guy who decides he is going to change up his wardrobe and get a new haircut. Why did he do it? Let’s say he wants to change these things because he thinks women will find him more attractive. This may be true, and he may find the girl of his dreams and we can all go home. But what if he decided to do these things because he values himself and wants to look his best. He has self-confidence and his external image is now reflecting what is going on internally. Now he can go out and find his dream girl, but his mindset is focused on him being the best version of himself. His actions weren’t driven by validation from women, which means if he doesn’t find results with them, his confidence doesn’t waiver and he’s able to continue the path of improvement.
Attracting women can certainly be ONE reason for the things you do, the danger is when it becomes the MAIN reason. When you improve your career or start a business, you owe it to yourself to do it because YOU want to do better. If you are on your purpose and are out making things happen, the women will come and chances are they will be higher quality as well.
So how do I get my value back?
The Solution
When we get a job, we work to earn money in return for our efforts. The money that we earn allows us to buy things, travel places, help others, etc. If we compare this to the situation of becoming more valuable men, we will see how the two are parallels. You work on yourself in order to be a better person, have a better life, and have more confidence. These positive improvements cause you to be a more valuable person. The increased value allows for you to become a better potential partner. This is how it works. Instead of always asking ourselves what we think women will like, we make ourselves into better men and naturally become someone that women want to be with.
The reason I frame things in this way is I want to see men be better and do better. You should want the same for yourself. Women deserve for men to be better. Likewise, men deserve for women to be better, but that’s for another article š
But I digress, I’ve seen men fall into the trap of trying to seduce their way into higher echelons of potential partners. What usually happens is if they are able to find a way into that realm, the reality begins to hit after a while. The reality that she is used to successful men who are valued in society. Even if you have the seduction right, if you haven’t done the work on yourself to bring the other parts of your life up, it’s going to show. On the other hand, I’ve seen situations where men have plenty of money and status, and have no idea how to carry themselves around women. They might be able to garner female attention, but more often than not it isn’t genuine. The point is we must work to become more well-rounded. If you have all aspects of yourself on point or in progress, you will become a force.
It might sound like an easy answer to say just get all of your stuff figured out, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. It is one of the hardest things to undertake if you are willing. Getting over insecurities, learning how to be assertive when necessary, how to handle money, how to carry yourself with women, how to follow through with what you say, how to be strong in the face of adversity. The list could go on for days! This is not light work. In fact, many will never step up to the plate. That’s why the ones who are willing find themselves in such sought after positions in life. There are men who do, and men who don’t. Don’t be the one sitting on the sidelines complaining that you can’t get ahead. Get ahold of yourself, fix your shit, and make your life into what YOU want it to be. If a woman doesn’t find value in someone like that, then she has her own problems to figure out. Alright I’m leaving it at that.
We owe it to ourselves to do the work necessary to bring about our desired outcomes.
Shaun
The No Bravo Sierra Blog 